It’s pretty much public knowledge that Donald Trump is one of the biggest douche bags to ever walk the face of this earth … but this guy has taken his douche-bagginess to a totally new level.

As you may have heard, Trump — leader of that ridiculous “Birther” movement — has been peddling an “October surprise” since Monday. That so-called surprise was supposed to be some “big announcement” about President Barack Obama‘s past that was going to change the direction of the upcoming election.

“I have something very, very big concerning the president of the United States,” Trump told ‘Fox & Friends’ on Monday during a phone interview. “I will be announcing it sometime probably Wednesday and it’s going to be very big.”

“Will it change the election?” co-host Gretchen Carlson asked Trump. “Possibly,” Trump replied. “It’s very big—bigger than anybody would know.”

For days, rumors have been swirling about what the major announcement was going to be. Among the speculation was that Obama used and sold cocaine in college.

Another rumor was that the Donald was going to release divorce papers from the First Lady and the President. (Proving what exactly, that they’re a married couple with problems just like the rest of the world?)

But as it turns out … none of that is true (not that we believed that stuff anyhow), and Donald Trump’s HUGE announcement is nothing more than another lame attempt to drum up publicity for himself.

Donald Trump’s big announcement, a heavily worded statement released via his Facebook page, is that he will donate $5 million to a charity of the President’s choice, but ONLY if the POTUS — who he calls the “least transparent President in the history of this country” — releases his college records and applications:

“I have a deal for the president, a deal that I don’t believe he can refuse, and I hope he doesn’t. If Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications, and if he gives his passport applications and records, I will give, to a charity of his choice—inner-city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, anything he wants—a check, immediately, for $5 million.”

A deal that “I don’t believe he can refuse?” GTFOH!

Trump’s ridiculous statement continues:

“If he releases these records it will end the question, and indeed the anger, of many Americans. Their President will become transparent like other Presidents. So all he has to do to collect five million dollars for a charity of his choice, is get his universities and colleges to immediately give his complete applications and records and also to release his passport information. When he does that to my satisfaction, and if it’s complete, the check will be delivered immediately. A lot of people will be very, very happy to see this happen.”

In other words, Donald and all of his millionaire/billionaire Republican friends will be very very happy to see the POTUS bend over backwards to adhere to his absurd request. And the truly sad part about all of this is that Donald Trump is legitimately serious about this nonsense.

Eff $5 million. We’ll give him $5 BILLION just to shut the fuck up and move away to another planet. A lot of people EVERYONE will be very, very happy to see this happen.

Besides, we hear Neptune is pretty nice this time of the year.

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