Man Who Says He’s Michelle Obama’s Adopted Son Arrested for Trying to Access Her Bank Account

One of your cousins got booked after allegedly trying to tap into First Lady Michelle Obama‘s account for funds. His plot didn’t work for several reasons.

The first being that he doesn’t know Michelle Obama. The second relates to the first: He doesn’t know Michelle Obama, because if he did, he’d know she didn’t even have an account with that bank. Of course, this person had warrants and weed on him.

Perhaps that explains why the po-po didn’t believe him when he claimed Michelle Obama adopted him. You know, besides the obvious points mentioned above. Dumb-dumb, diddy indeed.

The Houston Chronicle reports:

Saying he was the newly adopted son of first lady Michelle Obama, a College Station man asked a teller at a Bryan bank to give him access to her bank account.

The story didn’t fly, especially when the first lady doesn’t have an account at the bank.

Now, 29-year-old Johnnie Fletcher Gooden Jr. is being held in the Brazos County Jail on two outstanding warrants and a new pot possession charge, investigators said.

An employee at Chase Bank at 2335 Boonville Road called police to report a suspicious customer who was “attempting to access an account under Michelle Obama,” according to a probable cause statement filed in the case. “The subject remained at the bank even though the bank advised him that there was no such account.”

When police arrived to question the man, he told them that “Mrs. Obama contacted him through Facebook and adopted him, and he was now trying to get money out of her bank account,” investigators said. When the officer challenged the assertion, the suspect suddenly stopped talking.

A criminal background check revealed that he had outstanding warrants for resisting arrest and assault on a public servant, said Kelley McKethan, spokeswoman at the Bryan Police Department.

Houston, we most certainly have a problem.

Congress, pass this jobs bill now. And while you’re at it, kick in some money to reopen a few thousand mental health clinics. You’ve got to give the people what they need.