THURSDAY'S RUNDOWN!

WHOOPI GOLDBERG OFFICIALLY JOINS “THE VIEW!”

YAY, FOR WHOOPI! » I can’t say that I watch “The View” on a regular basis. I only catch snippets on youtube when something crazy goes down. It’s something about middle-aged women fighting and arguing that just gets my gears a-moving! Anyhow, Whoopi Goldberg officially got the spot on The View everybody and their mama has been trying to get for months! Good for her. They need a cool and non-chalant voice like hers to calm the tone down a bit. She’s supposed to start the show in September, the day after Labor Day to be exact.

BOBBY’S AFRAID OF OSAMA FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS

BOBBY, OSAMA AIN’T WORRIED ABOUT YOU! » Bobby Brown still thinks Osama Bin Laden is after him. He apparently beefed up his security two weeks ago in Australia, where he’s been on tour – the reason behind said “tour” is pending investigation. Brown said in Melbourne: “I figure if Bin Laden wants me, and everybody is looking for him, it probably won’t happen. But if he wants to try and find me for something so stupid, he can do what he wants. I have to leave it in the hands of my higher power. Come on, if anybody [else was] threatened by Al Qaeda, they’d take it seriously.” All 8 of the people who showed up for the “concert” didn’t take it seriously and showed up, but they didn’t take Brown seriously, either. The singer took off his shirt at one point “unveiling his sweaty, abdominally challenged torso [and mysteriously wet crotch]” and the audience screamed with laughter, but were dead silent when he tried to get them to do a “call and response,” wrote one reviewer in the Herald Sun. Brown’s been worried about Bin Laden ever since writer Kola Boof and an alleged Bin Laden mistress said the terrorist wanted Brown killed so that he could make Whitney Houston one of his wives. But Brown and Houston divorced last year. Funny shit!

R. KELLY’S GOING TO TRIAL!

YO R. KELLY, REALITY’S A BITCH AIN’T IT! » It’s been so long since that child pornography case has been opened, I forgot home boy was a child molester for a minute. Okay, not really .. but you can’t deny that it’s been a while! Oh yeah, if you didn’t know already, IFC IS SPONSORING HIS “TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET” SERIES FOR TEN MORE EPISODES! But back to the subject at hand. After years and years of being put off because of this, and because of that, R. Kelly’s child pornography case is finally going to trial. Kelly was charged with 21 counts of child pornography and having sex with an underage girl in 2002 after a tape surfaced showing a man who appeared to be Kelly making time with a 14-year-old girl. The seven counts of having sex with a minor were later dropped because the video failed to show actual sexual intercourse. Kelly, who claims he is not the man in the video, faces a 15-year jail sentence plus a fine to the tune of $100,000 if he’s found guilty.

At a hearing held yesterday in Chicago, Judge Vincent Gaughan announced that Kelly’s trial will begin September 17 – a decision the singer’s reps are spinning as great news. “As Robert [Kelly] said many times, he believes in our system of justice,” a spokesperson for the star said. “He’s confident that when all the facts come out, it will be clear he’s not guilty of any crime. He is looking forward to finally having his day in court.” — Riiiiiiigggghhttt! Might I remind you Kellz, this is NOT an episode of the BOONDOCKS!