You know what? For all of the noise that these gals on “Basketball Wives L.A.” make about Jackie Christie, she’s pretty much the only thing fueling this zombie train of a reality show.
When Jackie isn’t on camera talking about herself, the other women are busy gathering at restaurants, apartments and outdoor cafes to whisper about Mrs. Christie.
So for the THIRD episode in a row, we the viewers, are forced to sit and watch Malaysia half-heartedly try to bring Jackie in the circle while Gloria maintains her stiff air of disdain for Jackie.
Help. We’re drowning in boredom.
Delusion Is Her Name
We did get to see a little spark of Jackie’s trademark crazy this episode. When she was bitching and moaning with her husband Doug about their daughter Chantel flying the coop, Jackie’s deranged brain kicked in when she began to turn on Doug asking him why he didn’t do more to try to bring their daughter home by manipulating her in the way that she does.
Doug, seemingly caught off guard by his wife’s hare-brained scheme, tried to deflect the line of questioning while at the same time, avoiding tripping any wires that could set Jackie off like a grenade.
Clearly, Doug has done this before because he knows how to weather this storm and walk away scot-free.
Another great Jackie moment came when she sat down to chit chat with Malaysia and her yards of Yakki.
The conversation started out politely enough, but then Malaysia got to comparing Jackie to a crackhead auntie in the family that shouldn’t be neglected and ignored by all.
HELLO. Jackie don’t play that.
The analogy didn’t sit well with Mrs. Christie and the only thing that made her bite her tongue was that paycheck from VH1.
But she let the viewers know the real deal in the confessional when she said she doesn’t do drugs so she knows Malaysia’s comment didn’t have anything to do with her.
We smell whiffs of Whitney Houston’s famous drug denial to Diane Sawyer, when she cautioned the veteran reporter that “crack is wack.”
Frankly, it’d be better for Jackie if she just said she was on drugs. Cause otherwise, it becomes even more difficult and disconcerting to describe and explain her foolish behavior at her old age.
After bitching and moaning about her daughter Chantel busting out of the cuckoo’s nest, Jackie gets an early Christmas gift when her daughter Skypes her to let her know that she’ll be coming home after all.
What the hell? Why on earth would you walk back into the lion’s den if you successfully escaped once with all of your limbs intact? Chantel, girl, you crazy.
Draya’s Got a Crush on Gloria
With the plotlines running dry, producers are forced to pair uninteresting cast members in the hopes that somebody or something will pull some kind of noteworthy stunt.
Unfortunately, the best that Draya and Gloria can come up with is pole dancing lessons.
You see, Gloria needs to master the seductive art of the pole within two weeks for her YouTube movie. You just know this “movie” is going to be so craptacular that it’s going to make Jennifer Lopez’s “Gigli” look like an Oscar contender.
But Draya, who happens to be a creature of the night, is more than happy to instruct Gloria on the way of the pole.
Draya bounces each butt cheek with ease and swings around the pole like an ADHD kid strung out on pixie sticks would on the monkey bars.
Then, before you know it: BAM! Lap dance time.
Faster than you can say, “Make it rain!” Gloria’s bending her ass cheeks over and thrusting her pum pum in Draya’s face like she was serving peanut butter and jelly down there. Do you want a taste?
Gloria seems a bit overwhelmed by the whole lesbianish ordeal and things get even more awkward when Draya, who claims to be bisexual, confesses to Gloria that she actually hits on her all the time.
Gloria should be grateful, there are worse lesbians to be pursued by than Draya. Like Rosie O’Donnell, for starters.
Crazy Jackie Gets a Tattoo
So because Jackie Christie has nothing better to do, her old ass decides to head down to the tattoo parlor to get a new tatt in honor of her 17th marriage to her husband.
This time, however, Jackie wants to do something for “the gays,” so she’s off to a tattoo parlor to get a rainbow triangle between tribal hearts on her hip.
Draya, surprisingly acting as the voice of reason, holds her tongue and doesn’t unload on the 40-plus mother over her hideous tatt.
She even had the nerve to point at the monstrosity and tell Draya that this is her “type of thang right here.”
Next up, more talking with so and so at another restaurant and…oh hell. Look, this episode was damn boring and frankly, this show isn’t going much of anywhere.
Somebody stop this train. We want off.