If there’s anything VH1’s hit reality TV series “Basketball Wives” has taught us, it’s that once you’re out of the circle, it’s tough as hell to get back in.
Unfortunately, middle-aged madwoman Jackie Christie is on the outs with all of the younger gals of “Basketball Wives L.A.” after her maniacal schemes blew up in her face at the end of last season.
So now she’s reduced to groveling for forgiveness. Cause the only thing worse than having to say sorry would be having to say goodbye to fame and relevance.
So episode 2 picks up where episode 1 left off with the scene of the girls at Gloria’s table.
Jackie, minding her p’s and q’s the whole time, attempts to build a bridge. But the girls just keep on knocking it down.
To be fair, Jackie doesn’t make it easy. She says, “I’m sorry” repeatedly, but always with qualifiers like “I’m not saying I’m sorry cause I did anything wrong” that make you think, “Bitch, is you sorry or what?”
So after a few minutes of this, Gloria gets tired of playing with Jackie the Two-Faced Hyena and sends her packing and on her way.
Even though Jackie’s a bit of a snake, you can’t help but feel a little bit bad for her as she slinks out of Gloria’s house with her tail between her legs.
Laura, however, just takes the whole thing as a joke and calls Jackie to taunt her boots and feigns that she wants her to come back.
This part started feeling very mean girls-like and crossed the line. Jackie was already being piled upon, there was no need to add insult to injury.
Even Draya, the girl with low enough morals and scruples to leave her son home alone and unattended, felt bad about how it all went down.
Video Chicks Have a Pecking Order, Dammit!
Did you know that not all video chicks are created equal? Well, Draya was here to let you know what was what.
Though she called Brooke her friend in episode 1, Draya was not interested in doing a photo shoot with her “friend” Brooke for KING magazine.
When she walked in to the shoot with Brooke, Draya immediately curled her upper lip and tried to call the photographer aside to let him know that she was not pleased, because she expected a closed set. In her mind, she’d earned the right to demand a closed set.
WTF? Draya is posing for the softcore version of Playboy which means she’s gonna be butt-ass naked and showing off all of her assets. What the hell does she have to hide at this point in her career?
Let’s call a spade a spade. Draya didn’t want Brooke’s plump, juicy rump to outshine her droopy, teardrop-shaped, deflated booty.
Hoes stay mad at Brooke’s pound cake.
But not Gloria. Brooke and Gloria have become fast friends and when Brooke invites Gloria out to another shoot of her’s (Brooke stay in front of a camera lens), she spills her guts about the Draya incident.
While wearing her fake-me-out geek glasses, Gloria vows to set up a lunch between the three of them so things can get hashed out.
Let’s hope somebody shakes a table or spills a drink at this meeting, because this season of “Basketball Wives L.A.” is drier than a She by Sheree fashion show.
When the Grinch Meets Scrooge McDuck
Laura Govan has to win the award for most self-aware reality star ever. She knows that none of these shenanigans that she and these women participate in is real life. It’s all just play-play.
Jackie on the other hand is the polar opposite. She buys into the storyline and she’s not going to let a little thing like reality get in the way of her fantasy.
So the lunch reunion between Laura and Jackie actually occurred in two completely parallel universes.
In Laura’s world (on planet Earth), she accepted Jackie for the maniacal, loose-hinged fool that she is. And Laura knows that she’s not that different from Jackie and is capable of being just as crazy as Mrs. Christie.
Laura resigns herself to the fact that she’s going to have to put up with Jackie for the duration of this season, whether she likes it or not, and decides she’ll tolerate her rather than combat her at every turn.
In Jackie’s mind (on planet Jupiter), Laura poured her heart out and extended an olive branch to rekindle their friendship.
She described the hug as though Laura embraced her like Celie embraced her long lost sister Nettie in The Color Purple. But in reality, Jackie had to coax Laura into the hug in the first place, because Laura said, “No.”
The script was already written in Jackie’s head and nothing was going to deviate her from it. This lunch was going to be her reconciliation lunch whether Laura liked it or not.
Kiss, kiss, make up and everything is alright. And just to let the cameras know that all was well for these two gal pals, Jackie immediately jumped to complimenting Laura’s jeans, telling her how cute they are.
Laura, meanwhile, is thinking to herself, “Bitch, these ain’t nothing but some old Faded Glory jeans from Walmart.”
Sowing the Seeds of Dispute
Brooke is the new girl on the block so it’s time for the “Basketball Wives” to break her in.
Malaysia meets up with Bambi, an aspiring L.A.-based rapper who she grew up with, for a “run.”
They’re dressed to the nines with at least four feet of Yaki flowing from their heads. And neither of them looks like they broke a single sweat.
But they’re yap, yapping about all the girls and Jackie’s redemption. Bambi makes a great point here that the only crime Jackie committed was talking about “bitches” behind their backs. Bambi astutely points out, “That’s what bitches do.”
Malaysia brings up Draya’s friend Brooke, and Bambi immediately turns more sour than a pitcher of lemonade.
They know of each other and while they haven’t had a direct conflict, Bambi’s itching to have a reason to snatch Brooke’s wig. Guess she wants to audition for a permanent spot on “Basketball Wives” early.
After calling Brooke a hater, the scene comes to an end. Which means that Bambi is going to have an official introduction to Brooke and the two will have words.
We can’t wait for the fireworks.