The season finale of VH1’s runaway hit “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” was all about tying up loose ends. Which basically means that everyone but Rasheeda breaks up. Yay for black love!!!
For whatever reason, Erica and Lil’ Scrappy insist on rehashing their failed relationship for the millionth time. Didn’t their relationship end about 4 episodes ago?
Anyway, for the hundredth time, Erica and Scrappy come to an agreement that even though they love each other, they’re not meant to be together as lovers…right now.
Since they went and made it official that they’re over, Erica had to scurry as fast as she could to let K. Michelle know the deal. So the two meet at…a furniture store? What in the IKEA hell? Hey, guess VH1’s gotta take whatever it can get when it comes to locations.
When Erica breaks the news to K. Michelle that her and Scrappy are done, K. Michelle giggles with glee, “Yeah, girl, now you can join me in the lonely girls club.” But little did she know, Erica has already got her on the prize. In fact, Erica’s chasing the great white hope: A white man with a job.
Erica confesses to K that she’s interested in her realtor, a white man of Italian heritage. Miserable K. Michelle seethes with jealousy immediately upon hearing the news.
Of course, to deflect from her hurt about Erica finding a new potential mate so quickly, K leaps to crude jokes about the size of Erica’s man’s penis. It really says a whole lot about your level of ratchet when Lil’ Scrappy’s baby mama makes you look like a gutter, nasty sewer skank while she comes off as the Princess of Wales.
K. Michelle is so busy chasing after men for the wrong reasons (dick) and yet she keeps wondering why she always ends up fucked. Stupid ho.
In the closing scenes of the finale, Erica reflects on her immature relationship with Scrappy and realizes that she needs a man who “doesn’t need to be told what to do” or run after his mama for every decision.
Given the scene at the end in which Scrappy sips from his mama’s soup in the kitchen:
Yeah, Erica definitely has a point about Scrappy’s very serious mama’s boy syndrome. This love is Oedipal.
Karlie Redd and Benzino Are Dunzo
After falling in love so fast and so furious, Karlie and Benzino have quickly grown apart. The sweet, sweet honey love between them pretty much turned sour once Karlie realized there wasn’t much more she was going to get out of Benzino. That meeting with Vince was never going to evolve into anything meaningful. So Karlie’s wonky bird eye began to wander.
Benzino had a HUNCH about Karlie’s dirty ways, so he sought out the advice of Stevie J. Again, this is like asking the devil for advice on how to get into heaven, but hey, this is reality TV after all.
So Stevie J meets up with Benzino at his Hip Hop Weekly offices in Marietta, Ga.
Can we pause for a minute and talk about how brilliantly meta it is to have Benzino, a gossip rag publisher, star on a Hip-Hop reality show that feeds right back into his magazine? You know he gets all of the “exclusives” on LAHH to his writers too.
But yeah, Stevie and Benzino meet up and Benzino tells Master Splinter that he’s having doubts about Karlie and whether he can trust her.
Stevie, strangely, becomes VERY protective over Benzino and vows that if Karlie does him wrong, that she’ll have to answer to Stevie.
WTF? Is Benzino Stevie’s little sister or something? This just got awkward.
But off we go to the final encounter.
Benzino and Karlie meet up and you have to give it to Ms. Redd. This pigeon put on her finest feathers for her night out. Benzino cleaned up too, although nothing can really help him with that no-neck problem, chicken nugget shape and hunchback. But hey, that’s what low lighting is for.
So everything about this setup is romantic and magical, and Benzino and Karlie start talking about their relationship, and then BAM! Benzino shows her the ring. At this point, it seems like he’s about to propose to her. But nah, made ya look.
Let it burn, you fame vulture.
Benzino, with the help of VH1 producers, pulled a fast one on Big Bird Karlie. He knew very well that Karlie was doing nothing but using him the whole time, so he brought her out to get her hopes up and then dash them on national TV.
It didn’t pack quite the punch that Eric of “Basketball Wives” achieved when he splashed Jennifer with that water, but it’ll do.
Hilariously, after getting dissed by the Hunchback of Marietta, Karlie swore that Benzino benefited more from their relationship than she did.
Sorry, what did he walk away with after their affair other than birdseed and dirty feathers? Buzz off, Karlie.
Mimi, Stevie and Joseline Resolve Their Love Triangle
Hot damn, ho, here we go again. Mimi, Joseline and Stevie J open up their segment by sitting down for therapy with the good Dr. Jeff. This time, the trio of trifling tramps manage to have a discussion without balling up their hands into fists and smashing heads in.
But to be fair, Stevie J really deserved a knock on the head for walking in to the session wearing an “I AM GOD” t-shirt.
God don’t look ugly and Stevie is looking worse than Craig Mack right now.
Mimi and Joseline squawk for a little bit with Stevie, who is on some ridiculous kick about how he’s the bus and Mimi and Joseline are his passengers. They can either get on or get off, cause he’s gonna pick up new passengers either way.
It’s hard to say which one of them is the real Rosa Parks in this situation, but we’ll have to give it to Mimi just cause she’s proven to be stubborner than a mule.
Joseline scored major points though, when she told Dr. Jeff that she accepted Stevie for the low-down, dirty scoundrel that he is. Mimi tried to interject that she, however, didn’t. But Joseline clapped back, “Yes, you do, Mimi. You been here for 15 years.”
GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!
Say what you want about Joseline, but she sure as hell ain’t no fool.
In a follow-up scene, Stevie tries to organize a ratchet menage a trois with Joseline, himself and his new artist Che Mack.
But Che Mack is tatted up like a middle-aged trucker. And her mouth protrudes like a horse. Mr. Ed wouldn’t even hit that.
Joseline doesn’t pay Stevie anything more than two cents, and after cursing him out, she bounces from the studio and wishes Che Wack good luck.
Che looks utterly overwhelmed by Hurricane Joseline, but that’s ok. She was just there to let Stevie feel on her tattooed flesh and bend over for a good track.
The real showdown comes when Mimi, who apparently owns a cleaning business, draws a line in the sand with Stevie J. For the last time. At least this season.
Stevie rolls up to Mimi’s client’s house (isn’t her client paying her to clean up trash, not bring trash in?) and confronts Mimi about the status of their relationship.
This fool clearly hasn’t gotten the hint yet that Mimi is probably never ever going to agree to an open relationship with he and Joseline. So he still acts surprised when Mimi is all stand-offish and impatient with him.
Once and for all, Mimi tells Stevie straight up: I don’t want a relationship with you.
Hallelujah. Let the angels sing.
But Stevie ain’t going down without a fight. He tells Mimi he gave her a baby after all the other dudes used and discarded her.
Now, hold on a second. Stevie is giving out the “gift” of conception to many a woman and he doesn’t appear to be all that choosy about where he deposits his seed either. So he can keep that back there.
Rasheeda and Kirk Floppily Ever After
At the end of the season finale, Rasheeda is hellbent on proving to the world that she and Kirk are still in love.
This of course comes after she EMBARRASSED this man on national television when she basically called him a shit manager and went behind his back to gossip with Waka Flocka’s mom about how he is responsible for her stalled rap career.
Kirk must’ve pulled her card cause Rasheeda has been mad busy doing damage control ever since that meeting with Mama Flocka. And Kirk appears to be very pleased with the new arrangement.
Kirk and Rasheeda may live happily ever after, but Rasheeda’s career seems destined to permanent residence in Flopsville. Good luck with that, Rasheeda baby.
But before Rasheeda can walk off into the sunset, she must face the Joker (K. Michelle) one last time.
After the meltdown at the tea garden where K. Michelle hollered at Rasheeda about nobody believing her, Rasheeda remains just as unfazed.
But this time, K. Michelle brought her stoneface too.
The argument boils down to this: Rasheeda doesn’t believe K. Michelle because she knows Toya and Memphitz better than K. Michelle. And the little bit of K. Michelle that she’s seen don’t impress her much.
K. Michelle brings up Chris Brown as evidence of how a seemingly nice guy can quickly transform into a violent, unrecognizable abuser.
Good point (we guess?) … But Rasheeda ain’t buying what K’s selling so the two part on bad terms.
At this point, K. Michelle should cut her losses with Rasheeda. Though Rasheeda says she isn’t picking sides, it’s clear where she stands.
So there’s no sense in trying to move mountains to make Madam Sideburns a believer.
