Mary J. Blige opened up about a number of topics regarding her troubled past on a recent episode of VH1’s “Behind the Music.”

“When I was five years old I was molested,” she said in one of the most revealing interviews of her career. “I remember feeling, literally, right before it happened, I just could not believe that this person was going to do this to me. That thing followed me all my life. The shame of thinking my molestation was my fault. It led me to believe I wasn’t worth anything.”

In addition to discussing her past sexual abuse, the R&B star also opened up about her struggle with alcoholism and her casual cocaine use that became a full-blown addiction as her romance with Jodeci singer K-Ci Hailey started to heat up in the 90’s.

“It was bigger than me. And it was definitely going to kill me. So I was like, this is it and let’s go. And I remember sitting on my bed. I swear, I don’t know what death feels like, but I felt like my spirit was trying to leave my body,” she said.

“I really didn’t care about myself,” said the singer. “I was borderline suicidal…I was like the walking dead; just smoking and drinking and hanging.”

At her most desperate moment, Mary J. Blige, alone in a hotel room, says she prayed and asked God to “Send me someone to help me.” That someone turned out to be her current husband Kendu Isaacs, who she credits with helping her get her life back on the right track.

“I stopped drinking,” she said. “It was will power. It was prayer. It was really hard. But, I cared so much about him, I didn’t want to be just this alcoholic burden on him. He doesn’t deserve for me to be some, you know, slum-bucket alcoholic, and so I took responsibility and I cleaned up, as much as I could. But it was hard.”

Watch the full episode below!

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