And no, the fat lady wasn’t herself.

Rosie O’Donnell says that it’s a “miracle” she’s still alive after she suffered a heart attack last week.

Apparently, Rosie believes that the heart attack was brought on after she helped “an enormous woman” out of her car in a parking lot, and she then saved her own life using tips she remembered from TV commercials and Internet research.

And she wrote all about it all poetic-like on her website.

No, really. She did.

O’Donnell, 50, credited her survival to quick Internet research on her painful symptoms and a Bayer aspirin she had seen recommended in ads.

“Thank god/saved by a tv commercial/literally,” she wrote Monday in her usual verse form on her blog. “They call this type of heart attack/the Widow Maker/i am lucky to be here,” she wrote.

O’Donnell said her health problems started on Aug. 14 after she helped “an enormous woman” struggling to get out of her car in a parking lot in Nyack, N.Y.

A few hours later, her chest ached, both arms felt sore as if they were bruised, she became nauseous, and had clammy skin.

“maybe this is a heart attack,” she wrote. “i googled womens heart attack symptoms/i had many of them/but really? – i thought – naaaa.”

[People]

Rosie’s entire prose poem describing how a fat lady almost killed her is PURE hilarity, and has “GOT” to be seen to be believed!

Check it out below:

my heart attack

August 20, 2012

its a semi-sunny monday
the light bouncing off the flat hudson
mish is sitting next to me
i am happy to be alive

last week i had a heart attack

here is what happened
on tuesday morning
while walking in a parking lot in nyack
i heard a loud commanding voice

“can u help me”

more of  a demand than request
a challenge – a plea
i turned and saw an enormous woman
struggling to get out of her car

she was stuck

“can u help me? she asked again
as i walked toward her
“oh u r rosie odonnell”
yes i am

the ghost of christmas future
me – if i did not wake
there r no accidents i thought
as i braced myself and lifted her

it was not easy
but together we did it
she was up and on her way
with gratitude

a few hours later my body hurt
i had an ache in my chest
both my arms were sore
everything felt bruised

muscular – i thought
strained or pulled tissue
i went about my day
the pain persisted

i became nauseous
my skin was clammy
i was very very hot
i threw up

maybe this is a heart attack
i googled womens heart attack symptoms
i had many of them
but really? – i thought – naaaa

i took some bayer aspirin
thank god
saved by a tv commercial
literally

i did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here

know the symptoms ladies
listen to the voice inside
the one we all so easily ignore
CALL 911

save urself

xxx

Look at that. Rosie O’Donnell putting the full blame of her heart attack on ANOTHER fat woman — and not her own fatness. SMH.