There’s something wicked running through the clique of birds that we collectively refer to as the “Basketball Wives of L.A.” Although perhaps we should pause here to celebrate the fact there are now in fact three actual wives on the cast as Gloria Govan finally made it official with her baby daddy and live-in boyfriend, Matt Barnes.

The newly wed Mrs. Barnes joins Jackie Christie and Malaysia Pargo as the only three women with any kind of real, legally recognized ties to the NBA. So cheers to real love and commitment and things like that.

Now where were we? Oh yeah, the hoodrat convention known as this trashy reality show.

Bambi, for whatever reason, is ready to rock and roll this episode. Her attitude is on overdrive and her stank face is on 100,000.

The moment she walks in the door for the make-up session with the girls for Laura’s birthday, she’s got her mean mug on. All of the girls are happily chirping away about this and that when Bambi randomly blurts out, “GLORIA, I WANTED TO SLAP YOU THE OTHER DAY!”

What? Excuse you?

Gloria rightfully is like, “Who gon’ check me, boo?”

And Bambi tried to knuckle up and threaten Gloria that she would be catching a fade soon. But she was all bark and no bite.

Kudos to Gloria for standing her ground. Bambi clearly tried to use her masculine height and strength to her advantage but Gloria didn’t flinch one bit.

Let’s face it, she’s tackled with her husband and Shaunie O’Neal already; she ain’t scared of nobody.

After Bambi gets to hollering and shouting with Gloria, Laura walks up to Gloria and tells her to forget about their planned night out because she’d rather not hang out with these “birds.”

Bitch, whoa. Last season you still had the stench of after birth on your leggings and you were scrapping in fine dining establishments with Malaysia. NOW, you wanna act like Miss High Society? GTFO.

Bambi doesn’t let up on Gloria either after this awkward encounter. Later, while they’re out in New Orleans supporting Malaysia’s idea of a humanitarian vacation, Bambi gets annoyed at the dinner table when Gloria shows up and everyone oohs and ahhs over the news that Gloria got married.

The girls showed excitement and encouragement even though Gloria failed to invite any of them and didn’t even bother sharing the news with them personally. Everyone heard the news through the media.

This is yet another nail in the “these girls are friends in real life” coffin. We know, it’s totally devastating to find out that these crazy bitches only hang out with each other because they’re paid to, not because they like to. Imagine that.

After throwing a hissy fit at dinner, Bambi then proceeds to run her mouth about Gloria when the group splinters off into two factions. She calls Gloria a ho. Straight up. Says ol’ girl was fucking her boys in the studio. Which has hints of deja vu, since that’s pretty much what the Game accused her of doing too. Oop!

Now we don’t know if Bambi’s just trying to secure a spot for next season (no, she’s not an official cast member yet) but this is going a bit far. All of this messiness and shit-stirring in one episode? Who does she think she is? Jackie Christie?

Jackie Christie Takes a Break

You know what was incredible this episode? Watching Jackie Christie sit back and observe drama go down instead of standing smack dab in the center of it.

Whether it was Gloria and Bambi going toe to toe or Brooke and Draya sparring verbally, Jackie Christie kept her wet’n’wavy safe and out of harm’s way. She stayed in the back, smiled and kept it moving.

She got back to the shit-stirring a little bit at the dinner table in New Orleans when she asserted that Draya and Brooke would always be friends, knowing damn well that might spark round 567 of “Why You Hating on My King Shoot”-gate, but still, for the most part Mrs. Christie was on good behavior.

This, we know, is only temporary as the producers are just trying to build up our anticipation for a really big blowout between Jackie and Laura, but still, it’s good to take a break from the wacky world of Mrs. Christie.

Don’t get us wrong, she’s one hell of a roller coaster ride, but you’re gonna want off after about 4 rides on that bullet train of madness.

Jackie did have one moment worth highlighting though. When Malaysia, Jackie, Bambi and Draya split off from Brooke, Laura and Gloria, these bitches went HAM on Bourbon Street.

Draya showed the crowd her neck, back, pussy and her crack when she bent her ass over the rails and pulled up her skirt. She was going commando so the people on the street got a nice eyeful of Draya’s roast beef.

Unfortunately, NOBODY in New Orleans wanted what Jackie had on the menu. After Draya bared all to applause and cheers, Jackie flashed her tig ol’ biddies and received jeers and boos. Ain’t nobody wanna see those dusty ol’ flapjacks. Yeuch!

Draya and Brooke Are Still Battling It Out Over King Magazine

Can somebody please let these bitches know that King magazine is a dead, piece of trash rag with small circulation and a quarterly publication cycle?

They’re in the business of publishing softcore pics of hood chicks in bikinis and thongs. In the age of the Internet, who the hell has time for that play-play shit when you can get all the nasty, hardcore porn you want online … for free?

Somebody forgot to send the memo to Brooke because this bitch is HOOTING and HOLLERING about this damn King magazine cover like she landed Time’s Person of the Year.

Yes, Draya was bitchy about the whole thing by throwing shade and saying that Brooke got it cause she forfeited the shoot. And yes, Draya was a brat for skipping out on Brooke’s party just because the editor from King was going to be there.

BUT DAMN, this magazine is NOT THAT DAMN SERIOUS. It’s 2012, Brooke. Just like anyone can write their own book thanks to Amazon, “magazines” are popping up left and right too. Especially with more magazines shifting to a digital-only model.

In other words: Get over it, bitches.

Unfortunately, Brooke just can’t let this shit go. No matter how many times Draya says, “Sorry I wasn’t happier for you,” Brooke KEEPS insisting she wants an apology. Brooke clearly is one of those people who refuses to take yes for an answer.

Draya finally gets fed up with the whole thing when she meets up with Brooke for dinner and the two talk about this damn King photo shoot for the millionth time.

Brooke gets fired up and accuses Draya of being selfish. This is true and evident to anyone who watches Draya on TV for five minutes, so welcome to Planet Duh, Brooke.

After it becomes clear that Draya and Brooke aren’t getting very far with their verbal volleyball, Brooke gets up and just walks away from the table. Draya looks dumbfounded and she uses Brooke’s walking out against her in subsequent arguments to justify her cold shoulder.

In the end, we have two women whose “friendship” is breaking up over who got the leg up on who for a low budget, has-been men’s magazine read by teenagers.

It would’ve been better if they were scrapping over a basketball player than this bullshit.

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