So everyone important … and Solange, are in the â€œKnowles Mobileâ€ off to Kelly’s week-late album release party. Beyonce huffs and puffs throughout the car ride there. She then lets out a heavy sigh as almost confused… [CLICK BELOW TO CHECK OUT THE ENTIRE STORY OF HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN!]
Beyonce: Why do I have to come to this shit? Doesn’t Kim (Mama Knowles: Kelly), Keisha (Mama Knowles: Kelly), Latoya (Mama Knowles: Kelly!), Sasha? (Mama Knowles: KEL-LEY!) … Keeelly know I have much more important things to do then be at this party supporting her? Obviously she’s letting this â€œMs. Kellyâ€ thing go to her head. Ugh, I feel so sorry for her! I’m just gon’ wear what I wore to bed last night only to purposely give her more shine but still looking ultra fab in the process. Just call me Kobe cause this is the last time I pass her the ball and she fails to make the free throw, must we go back to the BET Awards?
Mathew (Management): Actually, uhh … I sort of threatened the Executive Producer to lower Kelly’s mic during her performance. She completely overshadows you vocally and I just cannot allow that.
Beyonce: Really? Wow, you’re always thinking of me daddy!
Mama Knowles rolls her eyes, then sinisterly glances over at Beyonce only to realize she wasn’t wearing a bra (well, Beyonce hardly ever wears such blasphemy â€“ just not so noticeable in a white, small-cut Deron original…). She then curiously asks…
Mama Knowles: Beyonce, you’re not wearing a bra?
Beyonce: Uh … I thought I was performing tonight.
Mama Knowles: Don’t you use that sorry excuse with me! After the millionth time, it gets a little old.
Beyonce: I’m twenty-five! Oh, I mean … so what are we gonna do? I don’t wanna out stage “nobody,” again.
With Mama Knowles’ quick thinking she digs into her â€œSwag Bagâ€ (word courtesy of Fresh), pulls out a bottle of her leftover Lacefront Glue and points near a crease in Beyonce’s car seat…
Mama Knowles: Beyonce, stick your hand in between the car seats and see if you can find a loose copy of â€œMs. Kellyâ€ laying around…
Beyonce: And mess up my manicure!? Sorry. What good would that do anyway?
Mama Knowles: Chile, what did I tell you about thinking? That’s not part of your jurisdiction! Your job is to sit there, look pretty, and nod.
Mama Knowles pulls out what is believed to be a remote device. â€œGo-Go Beyonce!â€ she whales. Without a single thought in Beyonce’s remote-controlled mind she reaches deep in between the seats furiously looking for…
Beyonce: I found it!
Solange: Wtf, it’s all chewed up and has spit all over it!
Beyonce: Oh, well for me and Jay’s rumored â€œengagement,â€ my management (Mathew Knowles) set up and sent out to the tabloids, gullible ol’ Kelly gave me a copy of her CD as a gift. I looked at her with an agenda and gave that shit to Baby Daniel as a chew toy; he tastes it, boy had a face more sour than the quality of my music and slided it underneath the car seat.
Solange: Dang Bee, I see you let a couple of those English classes slip!
Beyonce punches Solange in the Adam’s Apple
Beyonce: I’m so sick of her though, she’s really annoying. â€œBeyonce, why is my album getting pushed back? Beyonce, why am I doing the dishes? Beyonce, why do I live in a cellar?â€ I’m like, “Oh my gawd … Because I don’t like you, because you’re second best, because I’m fab-u-lous!” I’m especially sick of her asking about that tank album. I pushed it back to release B’Day in her face to let it be known. She’s consistent for one because she asked me about that damn album again, so I pushed it back again and re-released my album. She finally gets the backbone to come to me and say, â€œI know you’re pushing back my album, I guess you didn’t call your trash B’Day for nothin, I’m thinking about changing to new management.â€ And I was like, â€œwell I’m thinking about changing your album date again and releasing B’Day the deluxe edition.â€ She then had the audacity to say, â€œyou wouldn’t dare!â€ And well, you know I’m not the type to break my promises…
Solange: What are you doing Mama…
Mama Knowles: I’m going to glue the cover of Kelly’s album to Beyonce’s shirt…
Solange: Wow, that’s so tacky. Even for you.
Beyonce kicks Solange in the Adam’s Apple
Mama Knowles: Alright you two, Beyonce, leave Orlando Jones Jr. alone…
Mama Knowles and Beyonce laugh out loud hysterically
Beyonce: Solange, I think now is a good time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Solange: That’s not funny anymore…
More of Mama Knowles and Beyonce laughing out loud hysterically
Mama Knowles: Okay, how does this look? Does it draw any attention from the shirt too much?
Beyonce now understanding as they are arriving to the party
Beyonce: Oh! I get it, people will think I’m supporting Kelly but what this really is, is a distraction?
Solange: My George, I think she’s got it!
Mama Knowles punches Solange in the stomach
Beyonce: Yay! Kelly’s BOMB-ass album saves the day. I knew she would come in handy someday!
Mama Knowles: But were still here to support Kelly nonetheless. So point at the shirt a lot for photo-ops!
NOTE: For all of you gullible kids out there, the contents of this story are completely fictional. This is all in good, clean fun! We love Beyonce, Kelly, Solange, Mama Knowles, Baby Daniel, Mathew, and everybody else in the Knowles clan!!