“Basketball Wives L.A.” Recap: Jackie’s Big, Fat, Gay Wedding
Even though Jackie Christie‘s been married 17 times before, her old ass can’t help but act like a blushing, virgin bride. We have to ask: Should you REALLY be wearing white for your 17th wedding? Cause the white dress is supposed to be a symbol of purity, and we all know that Jackie’s about as pure as New York City sewage water.
So the weird thing about Jackie’s ridiculous wedding ceremony, besides the fact that she does it every year, is that she’s somehow dedicating it to all of the gays and lesbians. (Is she shoving it in their faces because she’s been married over a dozen times, and they have to fight for marriage rights?)
But we don’t actually see any gay or lesbian people at the wedding, other than the go-go dancers that Jackie has hiring to shake their asses on stage and in cages.
But you can’t tell this crazy bitch Jackie nothing. She’s got her rainbow tattoo on her flank and she thinks she’s Lady Gaga.
In the spirit of a homosexual night out, Laura Govan, one of Jackie’s bridesmaids, comes dressed looking like an extra from the “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” She figures that she’d come dressed in costume since the event was made for fabulous people.
It was, of course, loaded with shade because the drag costume was Laura’s way of saying, “Yeah, I’m here but I don’t take this shit not one bit seriously.” And really, why should she? The only thing Jackie takes seriously is her reality TV street cred. Everything else is negotiable.
The After Party
You know what the problem with BBWLA is? They have an entire hour to fill. VH1 should’ve cut this season down to half an hour because the filler is smothering the damn entree.
Before Jackie’s wedding happens, Brooke, Malaysia and Draya meet to talk about what will happen at Jackie’s wedding. After Jackie’s wedding happens, Laura, Draya and Malaysia meet to talk about what happened at Jackie’s wedding. Is this really life? Can these bitches find something new to talk about?
Nope. So on and on they go, dragging out the inevitable reunion between Jackie and Draya.
It’s not worth trying to recap here; needless to say there’s a lot of time wasted about hypothetical scenarios that won’t ever happen.
The one thing that was funny was when Laura punked Jackie by saying, “Draya’s here!” at her wedding.
Look at how terrified she is. She’s looks like they just told her that the Korean wig shop was all out of wet ‘n’ wavy tracks.
Imaginary Beef Springs Up Between Bambi and Laura
Because Bambi is so thirsty to secure her spot on BBWLA, she has decided to throw her lot in with Jackie. So before the wedding, Bambi is basically stewing because she feels that Laura has disrespected Jackie by showing up late and not confirming whether she’d show up or not.
Bambi, why are you so pressed over some middle-aged woman with a rainbow tattoo and a face like Alf that you just met?
Anyway, Laura eventually shows up but she looks like she just arrived from a week in the woods. Her face is scratched up and she looks like hell. But not even five minutes after she walks through the door, Laura is forced to defend herself as Bambi accuses her of talking smack about her.
Bambi, please work on your mixtape and stop creating imaginary beefs in your head. Is that bow too tight, ma?
The embarrassingly empty rhetoric is emblematic of the state of BBWLA; these women are hollow, dull shells of the ratchet reality TV stars we used to know.